Sink or Swim

There’s someone out there like me.

There’s someone who spend their days and nights wondering how can they be “amazing” instead of just “good”.

(The answer is practice, practice, practice, but who’s got time these days?)

There’s someone who wish they have more time to practice, to explore, to make mistakes. Someone who wish they’re younger, more brave, less burdened with life’s pressures and commitments to just jump into whatever once-in-a-lifetime opportunity they wanted to, leave it all and not look back. Because we’ve all got one shot in life to make it, or not to make it.

There’s someone who have no trouble soaking all of the wonderful inspirations from everywhere around them – soaking it like a sponge, analyzing, learning, memorizing, but have trouble wringing all of these inspirations out into actually creating something. They’re constipating and it feels awful because they have so many great ideas inside of them – just waiting to be released.

There’s someone who can’t stop comparing their work to other artists’ work, and feel inferior and unmotivated for awhile afterwards. That’s when the panic sets in and they’re reminded of how much they need to work their butts off to get to the standard they want.

There’s someone like me who thinks that 9-5 work is a waste of time when you can spend your precious time doing other things you love and still earn money to survive. It really sounds like utopia, now, but with hard work, sheer luck and just being a good person, I think it’s possible.

The whole world is moving fast and I’m struggling to keep myself in pace…

What am I gonna do with my life?

“What am I gonna do with my life?”

I remembered those words staring at me on a paper, many years ago when I was 14 in middle school. It was at the slightly-annoying Career Guidance class where our teacher asked us to write our life goals and what we would like to be once we leave school and be grown-ups.

I gingerly wrote “art designer” because way back then I wasn’t aware that “graphic designer” and “art director” are two separate occupations, though closely related, and I didn’t know the exact terminology for the kind of job I thought I wanted…

The same teacher told me that she could see that I’m smart just by looking at my eyes. She said that one’s eyes are windows to the soul, and a measure of one’s determination. She might also said that we can be whatever we wanted to be, as long as we  try hard enough. I didn’t exactly remember how she said it, but that’s how I understood it.

The same teacher also put me to detention a couple times because I got busted drawing on my textbooks and notebooks while I should be listening in class. I can’t help it, it was a “commission” project from one of my classmates. I got paid in chocolates, candy and stuff. It was pretty neat for a 15 year old.

“What am I gonna do with my life?”

At 18 I’ve just moved to Melbourne, and I really wanted to study Graphic Design in college. I was one step away from securing my place – all that stood between me and me studying Graphic Design was one good portfolio – and at that time I didn’t feel my portfolio was good enough. It was raw, unpolished. I lack originality, I lack ideas… And they told me that every year the university would only take 10+ International students out of the hundreds of candidates. I chickened out – So I began to look for other options: Advertising. Media. Product Design.

I ended up a reluctant Industrial Design major, and learning graphic design on my own in my spare time. I was awful at it, but I kept learning. Halfway through my college course I lost motivation… I started to wonder whether I’m doing the right thing, and why it’s not making me happy. Despite all that, I managed to graduate top ten of my class. I was kinda scared of not finding a job, and I spent another 2 years studying Multimedia Design. Within weeks before my graduation, I got my first job as a graphic designer. Now I’m still working as a graphic designer slash art director. Oh the irony.

Did I regret it, not taking the chance to be in the Graphic Design program? Did I also regret not taking a Fine Art or Illustration degree instead? Looking back at everything that has happened, it was evident that everything worked out just fine in the end. Except there’s one thing that’s wrong with this statement… it’s not the end yet. It’s 2012 and I’m still breathing. I’m a lot older than 14 and I’m still asking…

“What am I gonna do with my life?”

It’s the same old question. It bugs me at night, it kept me awake, it kept me thinking all the time. I was scared because now I knew my answer. But firstly let me explain how I came to that answer…

I didn’t enjoy being a product designer – all the engineering stuff confused me… (though I always get High Distinction/A+ on all my CAD scores!)… I had a short stint at teaching, didn’t enjoy being a teacher either, I’m a shy person. I kinda enjoyed being a graphic designer but I’m not sure whether I wanna work for someone else all my life… I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be, when I ended up working in advertising.

It didn’t take that long to figure out I didn’t want to be an Advertising rockstar either… I can’t picture myself in 5 years still selling lies after lies and manipulating people, tricking them into buying stuff they may not need… telling them to be someone else they are not… all this time I was thinking, do I want to do this forever? Why am I doing this in the first place?

Sure it’s a good way to earn money, I’m kinda good at it (though I lack ambition) but I don’t know whether it makes me happy… The people in this industry, are they ever genuinely happy? Why is my twitter timeline is always filled with complaints and more complaints?  Is this time for another break from the ad industry? (My last break only lasted 2+ months, ha!) So what if I quit?

“What am I gonna do with my life?”

It brought me to another cliched quote:

“Whatever you do, do it with all of your heart”

Ultimately, I wanna do something that makes me happy. I’m easily pleased, and there are too many things that can make me happy… rainbows and puppies and whiskers on kittens among other things, but I recognized that I feel most happy when I’m inspired.

I simply wanted to be an artist.

I want to create. I want to make art for art’s sake, and I want to contribute to humanity in any way I can through my work.

All this time I knew what I wanted to be – I just don’t have the courage to take the leap of faith. It’s true that “Do what is right” and “do what makes you happy” - those two statements are always in contradiction with each other… but I now I can argue that whatever makes me happy will be the right thing for me.

I’m far from being enlightened, but I’m beginning to see the light…

“Wherever your heart is, that’s where your treasure lies”

(Random late night rambling after re-reading The Alchemist for the 2th time)

Succulent gardening: One year update

You might remember my post about Sheep in a succulent garden, exactly a year ago? Here, let me re-introduce the original settlers in my container garden. Left to right: African milk plant, some Opuntia, some strange mario bros-looking cactus with pink flower, some  haworthia, some hylocereus cutoff, Sheep, and some sanseviera *phew!*

Well I thought I’d post an update on how the container garden looks like today. Left to right: Some haworthia that’s growing like crazy, some gasteria in the background, mario bros plant (it’s sprouting leaves periodically), some haworthia, and some gasteria sp. I just planted.

I had to remove and replace some of the original inhabitants cos some of them are growing big and taking up too much space, like this African milk plant…They now live in separate pots.

This is the rest of my cactus and succulent family in 2012. Enjoy prickly goodness.

Top 5 inappropriate Indonesian breakfast foods, like ever

Happy New Year! About time for another food post. Let’s talk about unusual choices for breakfast, particularly in my house. Now I wish that I could have cereal, muesli, bacon, eggs, and toast everyday, but Oma is in charge of choosing what foods go on the table, and she really loves having leftovers dinner foods for breakfast! In fact she doesn’t mind having the same dish for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Well, being a good granddaughter, I always eat them gratefully without complain, but I’d just like to share with you what sort of strange monstrosities we’ve had on the table.

Here’s some of the super-heavy food we’ve had for breakfast over the years. Bon appetit.

1. Pork feet in soy sauce
Oh look, it looks almost like chicken… don’t be fooled! These bad boys are super rich, heavy and greasy, full of strong smelling spices, layers of fatty meat, and chunky bits of skin, I’d feel stuffed for hours afterwards. 

2. Gule/tongseng
Anything with lamb, lots of coconut milk broth, chili peppers and spices for breakfast are bad news. Sure it’s tasty for lunch and dinner, but just seeing this first thing in the morning makes me full (and I haven’t eaten anything). My poor digestive system just won’t handle this complexity.

3. Foo young hai
Ah, a Chinese household favorite. Well let me tell you. Anything with lots of tomato sauce for breakfast is also bad, bad news! Within minutes of consuming this tasty dish, I would get really really severe stomach pains. I think it’s the acid in the sauce. Strangely enough, I can have martabak telor (with the sour sauce) for breakfast and be completely fine afterwards.

Anyway, tomato sauce for breakfast, no-no. I’d have the fuyunghai only, skip the sauce!
(picture taken from www.dororonpa.com)

4. Sate kambing
Seriously? Seriously. Refrigerated overnight for extra toughness. (They don’t sell these in mornings.) Yes I actually like them. They’re a great choice only for lunch and dinner. But not in the morning!
(Picture taken from Putra Linux)

5. Rujak
I’m just kidding about this one. Thankfully I’ve never had rujak for breakfast. If I had this, I’d probably be in the emergency room by lunchtime. I have a super sensitive stomach.
(Picture taken from Kolom Kita)

Rolling your eyes already? So there you go, 5 of my choices for inappropriate foods for breakfast. On today, January 1st, We had #1 and #2 at the same time. It was terrific! What’s your pick?

Schadenfreude

sozzis

Some people have been asking me why am I so fu*king brilliant. Here’s your answer. I torture myself for enlightenment. #schadenfreude

Ghosties of Christmas past

30+ year old vintage christmas ornaments in my house, Oma’s private collection. They don’t make em like they used to

Also, some experiments with heart and star-shaped bokeh filters on Christmas lights. Happy holidays.

DIY DSLR camera bag under $3

Ah, the last day of Christmas holiday. What better time to blog about my craft projects. This one was from a few months ago. Welp. So here’s the situation… You’ve just spent a substantial amount of your hard-earned money to buy some pricey camera gear, only to find out that you’re gonna need a camera bag to take your new camera around. Duh. Unfortunately, you’ve just spent all your hard-earned money on the camera gear, and as we know it, good camera bags are expensive!

While I’d love me some Billingham , Zkin, Ona or Domke bags (I only buy the fu*king best, not those mainstream black padded bags that look like err, camera bags), those are far above my budget, so therefore I had to resort to something temporary but sturdy enough to carry my gear around, maybe something that can also function as an insert to put inside my cavernous Timbuk2 messenger bag. (Like, a padded bag inside a bag, duh). Anyway, desperate situations calls for desperate measures….

Without further ado, here’s my Camera Bag under Rp.30000 project!

You will need:
2x 10-pack kitchen sponge or scourers. – Rp. 10.000
(This will be our padding. As an added bonus, it’s rainbow colored!) 
Small fleece-cloth hobo bag  - Rp. 5000 from some factory outlet.
Craft glue – I found some leftover UHU.
Velcro – I stole from my grandma
Jeans sewing thread - Any thick cotton thread will do.

I actually wanted something like this Roxy bag for the outer shell, alas, I’m too cheap:

Arrange the scourer pads like so. You can cut the pads to size so that it fits inside the bag proper. Make 2 layers of this.

Glue the 2 layers together with craft glue. For the 2 pads that are parallel to each other, I put an extra pad in between the 2 layers to strengthen the joint.

Now sew them together like so… don’t have to be really neat, the aim is to make a strong structure.

A few hours later, it looks like this with all the seams in place.

Oh. Some leftover scourers! I made little “dividers” with velcro tabs to make compartments inside the bag.

Welp, it’s time to put the bad boy inside the bag. Voila! You’ve got a secure padded bag for your camera. The tabbed “dividers” go vertically between the side walls to make room for spare lenses, etc.

From the outside it looks like this

This bag fits my 600D + 50mm f1.8 (or the kit lens) and my Lumix LX3 (or a charger/spare battery) just right. It also fits right inside my Timbuk2 messenger bag. After I made this bag, I made another one that’s bigger, so that I can carry more expensive L-grade lens without looking suspicious. Yeah right. Will take photo when not lazy.

Alright, I hope this tutorial thing is useful! Please keep in mind that this is not a designated camera bag, and I take no responsibility for the damage of your pricy gear. Okay! See you next tutorial!

——————– ———-
Update: My latest bag/bag insert. Bought this at Gramedia for Rp. 70.000 ($8), ripstop Cordura, removable straps. What a steal!
Fits (from left to right) 600D with Tamron 28-75, 50mm f1.8, lens back cover(s), lens hood, my choice of sheep doll (Alfie the merino).

I’m a loner: A spinster’s rant

1. I like solo trips 
When I get the wanderlust I won’t ask a lot of friends to join – too much people will just get in the way.  More people – more time to accomodate the different needs of the group, what to see, where to sleep, where to eat.

Solo trips are also a good time to reflect and get away from the noise of people surrounding you. For me sometimes it can get a bit much.

While group trips are OK for short term, (ie. weekend getaways) my ideal long trip would be alone or with a friend that I understand well. 3 people is too much already. Family trips are particularly a headache.

So far I’ve done road trips across Java,  road trip to Bali, 2 trips to Sydney, trips to Bandung, all by myself, hmm where else should I go? I think if I have extra money I’ll do a month around Thailand and surroundings.

2. I like shopping alone
I’m a picky picky girl, I often need forever and ever to compare and decide what to buy. Less hassle, more time to shop around…   also when I need a second opinion, I will totally text/email you a picture of the object(s) I’m considering to buy.

Most of the time when I shop with friends it goes like this:
Friend: OK we’re here in (insert Mall name), which shop do you wanna go to?
Me: Let’s split up. Meet here in 3 hours, ok?
Friend: Cool! Ehh… but I’m gonna need second opinions from u about that dress
Me: OK! I’ll friend you! *Me ends up not buying anything*

Conclusion: I like shopping alone, but when friends ask me to accompany them cos they need me for my opinion, I will gladly do so… As long as I’m not getting anything for myself.

3. I like going to the beach alone.
I’m a beach person. Whenever I have to make an important decision in life, I often find myself going to the nearest sea. Just sitting there and looking at the horizon, it’s really a soothing feeling like no other, and it really clears my mind. You should try that sometime.

4. I always get my tattoos done alone
I do! Except that time in Bali when Dayan’s with me for the trip. And most of the time he was outside playing with his Instagram.

It’s not like I don’t really need any moral support!  Or someone to hold my cold hand while I shiver in pain! (It’s an exaggeration, tattoos don’t hurt that much!) …I just don’t have the heart to have my friend wait for hours while I get tattooed! Well,  if you’re willing to wait for hours while I get tattooed, then be my guest… I just feel like it might be distracting for the artist to have someone hover over him/her while he/she is working, and I take my tattoos very seriously. (But if you’re only there in the shop for only half an hour or so, then I guess it’s fine Please take good photos of me getting tattooed! And bring me sugary snacks!)

4. But I don’t like going to movies alone
Cos there won’t be anyone to bitch to about the movie after it’s done!

Am I weird? Is there any hope for me? Am I forever alone?

An update just for the sake of updating…

Dear friends. While I won’t really tell you when will my exact birthday be, you can browse this Amazon wishlist and pick a gift for me. I’m sorry, they’re all super pricey. That’s why this list is called a “wish” list. It’s never wrong to have wishes.

…..

(OMG, another birthday coming! *Running around like a headless chicken about to be made into ayam bakar*)

Weird-ass Dream Journal of November Thirty

Another one of those random, vivid dreams I had when I was sick.

It was lunchtime and I was in some random mall food court, that vaguely looked like Mall Ambassador, with a nameless guy, whose face I can’t remember, who was supposed to be my date or boyfriend. He handed me his tray, on it a huge, stacked burger and a large bag of fries spilling out everywhere. “Can you hold on to these? I’m gonna sit on the far corner over there and play with my new iPhone” he said. And with that he went away, leaving me by myself.

“What a selfish jerk” I thought, as I straightened up his tray, shoving all the stray fries back into the paper bag. I thought to myself, “Now I’m just gonna take all my sweet time ordering my food, and starve him, cos I’ve got all his food here with me! Ha ha!”

Then I went to some random fast food counter to order my lunch. By then the food court vaguely looked like the one in Bapindo’s basement. Anyway I couldn’t remember what I ordered, but it wasn’t wholesome or fulfilling enough, because after that, I went to another stall to order some more.

The second counter I went to was a typical Japanese takeaway hot food shop. Neon lights, blue cloth banners, huge kanji calligraphy and sakura flowers on lacquered black as decor elements.  I was the only customer, and there were a few guys behind the counter, all of them dressed in black polo shirts with red collars, red waist aprons, and red headbands with a kanji on it. Behind them, separating the display are a and the kitchen, was a wall made of bamboo pillars. I couldn’t remember the name of the shop, but I ordered some takoyaki.  “It’s Rp. 22.000, please” said the cashier. What. It wasn’t even freshly made, it’s already sitting there on a plastic container.

I pulled a Rp. 10.000 note out of my purse, then another one… but I couldn’t find any Rp. 2000, or any coins, so then I pulled out a Rp. 5000. Just as I was going to pay, this character came out of nowhere. “No need, girl. Just give them Rp. 1000 cos I still owe you from the night before” he said, with a huge grin. I turned my head in surprise.

He’s a young security guard and/or police cadet. I couldn’t see his name patch. He said he had known me before at work, remembered that I was good at drawing, and went out drinking with me and my friends once… during that he owed me the Rp. 1000. Right! Where was this, I wondered, for he was one of those characters you would definitely remember for a long time.

 He was dressed like a normal guard, but with a light blue shirt, instead of navy. He’s got shiny long hair, loosely tied back, but styled up in the front like Elvis. It’s like Kung Fu hero hair. He’s slim, tall, dark skinned, with thick eyebrows, and huge, protruding teeth, which was his most prominent feature because he can’t stop talking or laughing. On his right forearm is an old fading tattoo of a giant ganja leaf in black, red, and green. I guess yellow won’t show cos his skin was so dark!

Who the F was this character? He rambled on about how he also loved to paint, to draw, and one day he will make it as a famous illustrator, sought after by ad agencies everywhere… I totally lost track of time and I realized that I haven’t paid my meal and had forgotten about my date somewhere out there playing with his new iPhone. Oh shit!

“No no, it’s ok, I’ll just give some coins to make it Rp. 2000″ I said as I fumbled, taking all my coins out of the purse, but guess what? None of the coins are rupiah. They’re either foreign currency or novelty coins: Souvenirs, amusement park coins shaped like the Osaka castle, etc. The buck-toothed guard laughed at me. It was all confusing. “Here, let me pay the Rp. 1000″, he kindly offered. Then white crystals started to fell from the sky, like snow, but much more lighter and sparkly… And then a white cloudy fog started to bleed into my vision.

I woke up with a start. I’m so gonna write and draw about this!